Wednesday, September 14, 2005

A Place

There's a place not hard to find
Not hard to get into
But hard to get out of
A Place where everybody's been or will have been
In someway, or another, at some place and time
Some have stayed for years
Some have come and gone quickly
Some are lucky, some are not.
You never know you're headed that way
Sometimes you don't even realize you're there
Until one day it hits you so hard
You're down on the ground and can't get up
There's a force keeping you down and
No matter how strong you thought you were
You always lose the first round
Some people fight and win the second
Some people fight, lose and get hurt even more
Some people just give up
But if you fight and fight as hard as you know how
Someday you'll get out, someday, somehow
Just stay alive and keep trying
No matter how tired you are or how much you want to quit
Keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel
you'll find it someday, everybody has to find it someday.

I found this last month, I had written it at 16,9 years ago. If I was there then, it's amazing I've survived till now. Hopefully in another 9 years I will still have survived.....

Self- Destruct

Why is it that it's so easy to self destruct? Anything good that has a chance to happen to me, I find a way to tear it down so it won't happen. And I don't know why. I want it, but get close then back away. I'll make an appointment for something I really want to do, then that day I cancel it because of something stupid. I'm tired of it all, tired of caring what life will be like in the future, tired of caring about what everyone may or may not think about what I do. I can't even make my own dreams come true because I'm constantly doubting if it's really my dream or something that someone else wants me to do. I don't know, I'm just fed up with life right now and it's not like it's horrible or anything, that makes me feel even worse though. I have a lot to be thankful for, husband, kids, family. Why can't that be enough? I know I'm homesick, but that shouldn't be such a part of my life here. I say that if we could just make enough money not to struggle paycheck to paycheck that, that would make a difference, but would it really? I don't know. I think if I could go back to school and do what I've always wanted to do then that would make me happy, but would it? I always fear that I will fail at everything I do, so why even try. Everywhere I turn there's something there to make me doubt and rethink my life and I've had enough of it. It's ok not to be perfect, it's ok to make mistakes sometimes, everyone does and life goes on. but I can't get that through my head, I feel like everyone expects so much more from me and I've already disappointed them so many times, so why try something in fear of disappointing them again. UGH!!!!AGH!!! I just want to scream and run, I'm in quicksand, the more I try and get out and get better the deeper I seem to get. Is there an end?

Monday, September 05, 2005

My much needed rant!!

I'm in a mood! Why is it that everything happens all at once? I feel like it all waits to come up all at once just to see how I explode. There's just way too much going on right now. I'm looking for a job! Yes, need a job, heaven forbid it come easy. I'm not picky at all, but nothing's happening. It's either more experience needed, ok where and how do you get experience without having a chance to work? Or bilingual, don't get me started on that one. I am not racist at all, have no problem with anyone coming here to live legally, however, why should I have to learn a language just to be able to work and support my family when it's my country to begin with? Then with all that's happening in the gulf coast, now they're offering them jobs here, the same jobs I've been trying to get for months now. Again, I know they need help, I'm willing to help and want them to get their lives back on track. I've been distraught about the whole thing, can't watch the news anymore because it really gets me upset to the point that I can't function right, but we live here and we're struggling bad financially. We can't get help from anyone, they can, so why can't I get the jobs? I know I may get a few comments on this one, go ahead, I know you don't know me well enough to know that this is purely a rant, and I am not trying to be a bitch about what's going on in the world. Just needed to get it all out of my head to get some relief.........

Thursday, August 25, 2005

New blog

I deleted my old one because I didn't want anyone to figure out who I was just in case they were searching and found it. I want to be honest and say whatever I want too without anyone getting upset. So here goes, not really sure what I'll say or how often i'll post, but it will mainly be my outlet. I need something to keep sane, otherwise I don't know what I'll do except blow up and lose everything that's good in my life. Why can't I just be normal? Am I alone in thinking that no one else goes crazy? well at least the majority of people don't. i know people going through the same things and they're not holding up much better than i am, so that got me thinking that something needs to be done. But what? Honestly, they tell you to take some pills, it'll help, it's not your fault it's the chemical makeup of your body going awry. Is it really? no, my life hasn't been perfect there have been things that would be considered as trauma, but does that explain it? Maybe that's my problem I don't even know why I am like this, so how the hell should I get better when I don't know what I need to fix? Ha! Wow, i'm starting to really sound crazy. Funny thing is those around me think I'm fine, so it's all in my head!!! Anyway, back to reality, gotta go.