Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Self- Destruct

Why is it that it's so easy to self destruct? Anything good that has a chance to happen to me, I find a way to tear it down so it won't happen. And I don't know why. I want it, but get close then back away. I'll make an appointment for something I really want to do, then that day I cancel it because of something stupid. I'm tired of it all, tired of caring what life will be like in the future, tired of caring about what everyone may or may not think about what I do. I can't even make my own dreams come true because I'm constantly doubting if it's really my dream or something that someone else wants me to do. I don't know, I'm just fed up with life right now and it's not like it's horrible or anything, that makes me feel even worse though. I have a lot to be thankful for, husband, kids, family. Why can't that be enough? I know I'm homesick, but that shouldn't be such a part of my life here. I say that if we could just make enough money not to struggle paycheck to paycheck that, that would make a difference, but would it really? I don't know. I think if I could go back to school and do what I've always wanted to do then that would make me happy, but would it? I always fear that I will fail at everything I do, so why even try. Everywhere I turn there's something there to make me doubt and rethink my life and I've had enough of it. It's ok not to be perfect, it's ok to make mistakes sometimes, everyone does and life goes on. but I can't get that through my head, I feel like everyone expects so much more from me and I've already disappointed them so many times, so why try something in fear of disappointing them again. UGH!!!!AGH!!! I just want to scream and run, I'm in quicksand, the more I try and get out and get better the deeper I seem to get. Is there an end?

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